Thursday, March 10, 2005

Billboards 3:16

Life is short, eternity isn't- God

That is what a billboard says along the freeway in Milwaukee. After reading that, I had so many questions.

How much do you charge God to rent your billboard? Top dollar? Less? He most certainly can afford it. People are tossing money in the collection plate on a weekly basis so you have the ability to charge Him quite a bit. Or do you considerate it a charitable donation? If you believe in His message, do you dare charge him?

Does he dictate the cost? Maybe God tells you how much you will charge him. Kinda like a Jedi mind trick. He tells you how much you will charge. I don't think you are going to argue with God. That is a debate you will not win.

How does God contact you are renting the billboard? Does he come in a vision? Phone call? Email? Fax? Maybe he sends a priest. Afterall, last time he had an important message to get across he did send his son.

How does God pay for the billboard? Does the money just miraculously appear in your PayPal account? Or does God use Netteller? It could be rather embarrassing if you walk into your bank with a cashier check signed by "God". Somehow I don't think they will accept it. Does that mean the teller is then going to Hell?

Do you have to send someone out there to put the message up? He can do it himself afterall. His message could appear up there without anyone ever noticing a difference. If He is doing part of the work, then the rate you charge should be a bit less.

At night, do you need to light it? Shouldn't a light come from above, through the darkness to shine on it?

What do you do if He doesn't make his payment? Do you dare cover it up? I feel sorry for the worker who has to go white that message out. My suggestion is not to do it on an overcast day.

Do you dare tell reject him? Tell him the board is not available? Maybe you just rented the board out to Miller. How do you tell God that he cannot use your billboard? Even still, what if you don't believe His message is suitable? Maybe the owner is Hindu or Muslim? Does that mean Allah can outbid God for this board?

Isn't this a potential traffic hazard? There could be accidents because people are reading His message. Makes me wonder if God thought this one through.

I hope he isn't desperate that he has to resort to a renting a billboard to spread the word. I mean, is Billy Graham not doing his job well? (sidenote: I was always disappointed as a kid when Billy Graham was one because I always was expecting to see the pro wrestler Superstar Billy Graham).

Just so many questions. There was one question I had an answer for though. The Captain Morgan billboard asks:

Do you have the Captain in you?

I did last night. Captain and Coke makes Survivor a lot more interesting. One thing I found disturbing though. Towards the beginning when they are picking tools for their shelter thing, I did not need to see the guys junk trying to poke it's way through his shorts. He may be excited to see Probst or the tools, but I didn't need to see that. Then later, when they are battling for immunity, this self proclaimed "redneck" is out there in his skivies again. It looked like he shat his pants. He is sporting some major skid marks! I am so grossed out. Can't someone in his tribe force this guy to put some pants on?!?!?

I got to thinking more about God's message and what else could be put on there. So I went to a great source- Anthrax. Make Me Laugh. So I think other words of advice from God can include:

God say's have a swimming pool
God say's keep the doghouse cool
God say's planes and boats and cars
God say's have an amusement park

God say's go and masturbate
God say's file taxes late
God say's paint your face all sick
God say's be a real prick
God say's have a TV show
God say's baby do some blow
God say's taxes are a sin
God say's pour the money in

1 comment:

J. Gambino said...

I think the billboard is some poser trying to ride God's coattails and cash in on his name. If God was to put up a billboard, he pretty much could just change the "Who's Your Daddy" ones all over the North Side to something better. Although I do like the one that says, "Stop using my name in vain or I will make rush hour longer" - God.

Alos, I too, was beyond turned off by the redneck's package and the obvious stained backside of his. Kinda remined me of an incident on my front porch...