Thursday, January 19, 2006

Advice day

It was just like Overheard in New York:

Tenant: Did you catch the flu yet?
Me: No
Tenant: Well, you don't want to.

Ah...yeah. Scratch that off my to do list.

So after receiving such great advice like that, I have decided to pass along some of my own. See, I rarely get sick. If I do it is usually gone in 2 days. I may miss half a day of work tops. Either my immune system was stolen from Superman or I have effectively pickled my insides with booze.

My advice to you is the guaranteed cure for the common cold. Slam it with alcohol. I am not joking here. Feel a cold coming on? Follow these rules

  1. Drink two shots of your favorite booze before going to sleep. It cannot be anything wimpy like Peach Schnapps. Though Dr. McGillicuddy's is acceptable. But I recommend whisky or brandy.
  2. First thing in the morning, after getting out of bed, do another shot. Seriously. This is very important. You must do a shot immediately. Don't brush your teeth, don't take a shower, do not pass Go- unless your liquor cabinet is on the other side of Go.
  3. Before going to bed on the second night, do another 2 shots.
  4. Repeat in morning if necessary. Or if you simply want to do another shot.
This will kill the cold quickly. Works every time. The only problem I have ever heard of it not working is when people do not do the morning shot.

Speaking of shots, I forgot to mention my grand idea yesterday. This would work well for Greek restaurants and bakeries. Yesterday I mentioned how the muffin loaf would have tasted better with some booze on it. Well, why not offer that as a late night dessert? You take a muffin from earlier in the day, rip the top off and pour a shot on it. Amaretto on a chocolate chip muffin. Whisky on a banana muffin. Rum on a chocolate muffin. Don't you want one now?

Back to some advice. I have documented some of my dealing with moronic drivers already. Now you get some advice on how I like to deal with them. I have adapted this from my friend Mark. He mentioned this move to me years ago and I have toyed and adjusted it to my own style. This morning, I was stuck behind some guy who was doing the speed limit in the left lane. He would speed up to 60 but come right back down. There was no traffic in front of him. At first, I got up on his ass because of a lane change. My headlights lit up his bald spot pretty well. So as he accelerated up, I did too. But then the bastard slowed down, putting me right on his ass again. He then made mistake number one. He touched his brakes, the international symbol of "I am a pussy driver, stop tailgating me or I will cry". Don't do that. That is wrong. Besides, that puts my into poker driving mode. You showed weakness. I will exploit that weakness. I have tasted blood and want to go for the kill.

Next he made the first of two dick moves. The first was is beyond stupid and is just plain selfish. Right by the stadium, where the stated speed limit jumps from 50 to 55, he thought he would piss me off by slowing down- to 40! This is an extremely childish maneuver. I didn't get mad, but I am sure the 6 vehicles behind me who had to slow down because of this ass clown weren't happy. They may react like I do in a situation like this. I always look ahead to see who the asshat is that just fucked up traffic. That is the one I will be upset with. If they had a chance to get out of their cars and beat the shit out of someone, it wouldn't be me. So, he not only failed to get me mad, he could have caused an accident behind me. People, don't be a dick like this jagoff.

So after slowing down, he takes off. Well, I figure I will now screw with this guy. I don't have push the pedal to the metal to catch this dope. I get back up to speed and soon am back on his ass again. I aim my headlights to his side mirror, something I hate being on the receiving end of when I drive the Mustang. He then pull out dick move #2. He hits his brakes hard. If only I had a piece of shit car. I would ram into him. But I didn't. I was prepared for something like this. This dropped him down to 45 so I was back on his ass.

I can tolerate one dick move but not two without some kind of reaction. I laid on my horn to show some displeasure (yeah...displeasure is an accurate word). Being the Mensa member he is, he gave me the finger. Original *eye roll*. He then sped up and finally changed into the center lane, freeing up traffic. As I passed him, I could tell he was looking to say something and give another gesture. Here is where my advice to you comes in. As I passed, I applauded him. Yes, I held my hands up high and clapped. This pissed him off more. I thought the finger was coming through the glass.

So kids, never let the donks tick you off. Be happy, smile and give them some applause, a thumbs up, or something. This will really get them madder than they already are. And remember, don't be the dick.

And go check out some of the new links I put up. Just some of the stuff I have started reading and enjoying.

8 comments:

AWE said...

Kahlua is fucking awesome with chocolate chip muffins or cookies. This made me think about a black russian made with Kahlua and Stolie's Vanilla.

As for the driving advice, I will use this tonight. I know I will be pissed at some Asshat on the drive home.

djw said...

I've been doing the applause instead of the finger for years and it really works.
I haven't gotten a flu shot in over twenty years and in that time I may have gotten a handful of minor colds. Along with the shots, I also Vicks up my chest and wear a heavy sweatshirt. Vicks up my feet and wear wool socks. I sweat that cold out in one night.

Joaquin "The Rooster" Ochoa said...

Two Things:

1. Where is my cool shirt?

2. How about the picture Otis posted of you...classic.

StB said...

Rooster, I call that my poker face look. I like it.

You have to wait until the Bash. By then 2006 should be out.

Blonde said...

My Irish immigrant grandmother thinks that whiskey in hot tea before bed cures all. You will sweat like Patrick Ewing, but you will be bright eyed and bushy tailed when you wake in the morning.

PSA: Flu shots are bullshit. Don't get one.

saffers said...

My grandmother and great grandmother used equal parts of whiskey, honey and lemon juice as a cough remedy.

I swear by this mixture. As an added bonus it makes you sleep like a baby if taken at bedtime.

Anonymous said...

I'm writing a paper on the benefits of alcohol and your website has the most ridiculous bullshit of a way to get rid of a cold! It sounds like an excuse to drink if you ask me! Hopefully you drink yourself stupid. Good day-

erin said...

Dude, I just read Details magazine and they tell me the cure for a 2010 hangover is, get this: Apple Juice mixed with genuine Sea Salt (like I can get that where I live), and drink it down real fast. No booze involved. I'm a little skeptical about this though and like your solution much better!
Cheers!