Make them stop, mommy! Make them stop!

I was flipping through the channels last night looking for something to watch. It was a choice between ‘Frazier’ and the news.

Or so I thought.

When I first saw it, I knew my channel surfing was over. This was a catastrophe about to happen. A trainwreck was about to unfold before my eyes. Morbid fascination mode kicked in. There was no way I could change the channel. My eyes were locked and my fingers frozen.

I could not believe what I was watching. It was painful. The bodies convulsed back and forth like they had drinken the Kool Aid. The music was abominable. Who are the bastards that forced these poor kids to wear those clothes? Tears came to my eyes and I found myself saying “Save them. Let this horrid affair be over!” This was more tragic than what had happened to the miners in West Virginia.

But it only got worse. Next thing I knew they were playing ‘Beat It’ by Michael Jackson. When the USC Trojans Marching Band started playing music by the child molestor, I just about killed myself rather than live through this torture.

It was the single more horrific, yet funny and geekiest thing I have ever seen.

I am not even sure I know where to begin. Maybe with the outfit they were wearing. It was like Superman walked into a bar in the wrong neighborhood in San Francisco. What is with the capes? But to totally get the geek look, let’s add the sunglasses under the Trojan helmet.

Plus, this band looked pretty chunky out there. I am not talking about the tuba players either. All tuba players need to be big. It is a rule. But flute players? I thought one guy was trying to eat a pretzel rod out there. That or he was gnawing at his fingers because they were playing Beat It.

Yes, Beat It. Who thought this was a good idea? Let’s play a song that is over 20 years old that sucked then and sucked now. Let’s remind everyone in California of the most famous pedophile in the world.

But it get’s worse than that. The band even acted out the fight scene from the video. I shit you not! At the point of where Eddie Van Halen throws his career away with a guitar solo, where the video has the gangstas knife fighting, some of the sax players laid down their horns and acted like they were having the knife fight. When they stopped, they then grabbed their crotches and did a couple of thrusts before going back to playing.

WTF was that? I proceeded to laugh myself to sleep. Even beyond the music they were playing, I didn’t think they sounded good at all. Maybe it was the sound at it was broadcasted over television. It didn’t help to have a cameraman on the ground getting close-ups of individual marchers either. When they did, you clearly heard just the part they were playing, which messed up the sound a whole.

Yes, the train wreck was something to see. It is sights like this that lead me to drink. More.