Wednesday, January 11, 2006

No road rage here. Really

A bit back, the Rooster commented earlier that I have some road rage issues. I don't Joaquin. I really don't. I just don't have much patience for stupid drivers (Out of curiosity, being a New Yorker, do you have a driver's license? I always wonder if most New York residents have a license or learn to drive). I hate the people that have no consideration for others on the road. I was taught in drivers ed. to stay right if you are going slow, pass on the left, and keep up with the flow of traffic even if they are going above the speed limit. I expect this of other drivers as well.

But there are too many self-absorbed people on the road who do not think like I. And they piss me off. The other day, I was stuck behind some dingleberry yapping on a cell phone. He weaved a bit and just about crossed over into my lane twice into my truck. When he did, I thought "people talking on cell phones have just moved to the top of my list of hated drivers". But did I have a list? Well, somewhat. So to ensure I didn't pull a gun on the next goofball driver, I decided to give you the list instead. See Rooster. No rage here.

  1. Driver talking on cell phone- Watch this person the next time you are on the road. They cannot keep their speed constant nor can they stay in one lane. No wonder I am all for a law against talking on the phone while driving unless it is a hands free set.
  2. Old person driving the speed limit- Oh, they are driving the speed limit if you are lucky. The real problem is this person is always in the left lane, holding up traffic. They are oblivious to what is going on around them. Probably listening to Lawrence Welk on the radio too.
  3. Person speeding up when you try to pass them- Possibly the biggest asshole on the road. You know this guy. He is doing like 58 in a 55 zone. You want to get around him but can't because of traffic. When you finally get clearance, you give him a chance to change lanes, but he doesn't. So when you move to get by him, the prick is suddenly Dale Earnhardt and doing 70 to prevent you from passing. If only, I could pull my car to the left and put this assclown into the wall....
  4. Person changing lanes for no apparent reason that causes you to slow down- One of the problems with the Milwaukee freeway system is there are too many left lane exits. People always feel the need to be "in that lane because my exit is ahead" even though said exit is 5 MILES AWAY! Or you get the idiot that suddenly decides "Hey, I want to be in left lane now. The car ahead of me is about 30 car lengths in front but I am going about 2 mph faster and may be passing him in the next 10 minutes so I better change lanes now, even though the vehicle in the left lane behind me is doing 10 mph fast than I am". You then find yourself moving around this dipwad because of his own selfishness.
  5. Driver who slows down in front of you as you are trying to get just ahead of the vehicle in the next lane that you want to change into- This is the old passing move. Traffic on the left or right (where you want to end up) is slow so you are hoping to get in ahead of the bus or semi. Of course the guy in front of you slows down just when you are about to get some clearance forcing you to now squeeze you way in behind the truck (Note: Never squeeze your way in front of the truck. Don't piss truckers off. Plus, that vehicle crashing is damn dangerous). Then of course they change into that lane as well at the last minute.
  6. Person who drives slow then changes lanes only after you passed them- Hey buddy, you could have simply changed lanes before I passed you. Don't be a dick and make me move around you.
  7. Driver who is “policing the area” themselves. They do the speed limit next to another car to control the overall speed on the road- A girl I knew told me about her mother and her driving. She would do the speed limit and purposely drive next to a car doing the same speed to prevent other drivers from speeding. Listen lady, unless you have Highway Patrol stamped on your doors, you have no business pulling this shit. Stay right and let me get through.
  8. Car with all the crazy political bumper stickers- This is more of an honorable mention. If you have more than 3 bumper stickers on your car, you are crazy. I don't care whicpoliticalal party you are in favor of (those most are moonbats), if you like to hunt, or love sex with your Labradoror, don't put that stuff on your car. It shows you are a lunatic.
  9. The clown who speeds up when you are trying to merge from the on ramp or if you are trying to change lanes- This is just simply being a total asshole. Like it is the end of the fucking world to let a car in.
  10. The person who must keep at least 10 car lenghts between them and the car in front of theirs- This sucks when traffic is backed up. It looks like there is no one in front of them for a mile. You feel like you are waiting in a slow moving line, which no one likes. You then watch traffic from another lane pass them and move into the empty space and get somewhere. I am not saying them need to be on the other car's ass, but there is no need for them to be so far back.
  11. The driver who does not use the on ramp to accelerate to freeway speed and merge properly- They are the opposite of the ass who doesn't let you merge. The putter along and wait until the last couple of feet to move into the lane. You even slow down to let them in, but the asswipe slows down too. WTF? It is bad enough this person will get up to 40mph before hitting traffic but you have to be stuck behind them.

And now for something completely different:

I was getting a lot of work done yesterday when I heard that sound. It was the gurgle of a baby. Oh great, the no longer pregnant girl brought her baby in to work for all the other women to gush over. Heaven help me! Why must mothers bring these damn kids to work? Next thing you know all the hens are over making noise, wanting to hold the thing. They blocked an entire aisle with this nonsense. People, keep the kids at home. Don't bring those germ factories in here. Do you put them on display at a zoo? No. So don't do it at work.

The So Wrong Thought of the Day is also attributed to the baby. See, the mother has a lazy eye. I kinda did want to take a look at the kid cuz I wondered if they would have that one eye looking off to nowhere.

Yeah, I am going to hell. So what?


F-Train said...

There are two types of New York City residents, each of which can be further broken down into two categories.

1. Transplants.
A) US Transplants - Almost all of these people have a driver's license.
B) Non-US Tranplants - Very few of these people have a driver's license.

2. Native New Yorkers.
A) From the Outer Boroughs (Queens, Brooklyn, the Bronx, Staten Island) - Almost all of these people have a driver's license.
B) From Manhattan - None of these people have a driver's license.

A few examples should clarify:

1. Me - grew up in NJ (US transplant). I have a driver's license.
2. Dawn Summers and Ugarte - grew up in Brooklyn (outer borough natives). Both have a driver's license.
3. Pauly - grew up in the Bronx (outer borough native). Has a driver's license.
4. My friend's girlfriend who was born and grew up on the Upper East Side (manhattan native) - does not have a driver's license.
5. Random Italian dude you pass on the street (Non-US transplant) - does not have a driver's license.

Human Head said...

Pure Poetry. I spend every day on the highway wondering what the hell is the deal with these fuckin people.

Maybe it's just a midwest thing? I did not have these problems in the Northwest.

Congrats on making an absolutely perfect list.

StB said...

Random Italian dude. LMAO.
I then expected to see Arabic taxi driver- does not have license.

AWE said...

I think I am reading my own blog.

I try not to write to much about my road rage, but I did have a nice post about a bastard that speeded up on me. I will probably be shot for it one day.

As for the lazy eye, I guess I will be sitting in the passenger seat beside you.

Blonde said...

My brother once dated a girl with a lazy eye. Scary. I asked him if he got off on the fact that when she was blowing him that she could look at his face and his dick at the same time? BTW, Lazy Eye should not have been allowed to procreate with that defect of hers.

You hit all of my hot buttons on drivers that suck. I admit that I have severe road rage and I have no problem yelling, cursing and getting confrontational with cocksuckers that can't drive. My grandmother will ONLY drive in the left lane and insists on driving 5 miles BELOW the speed limit because it is "safer". She nearly got us killed a million times.

StB said...

Not to rag on your grandmother Blonde, but she should have her license taken away immediately. She single handedly makes the freeways more dangerous with that move.

James Wigderson said...

You forgot the "no way am I letting you on the freeway driver". As you come off the ramp at full speed and the driver in the lane into which you are merging panics and varies his speed up and down enough that you either slam on your brakes or slam into the fucking wall. I HATE THESE PEOPLE. Pick a speed or get the hell out of the way. Better yet, pull over and hand your keys to the sheriff, dammit. You're obviously too chicken-shit to be on the freeway. And there's the two-lane changer in rush hour. Just because one lane is clear doesn't mean both are clear. Then there's the driver that suddenly speeds up to prevent you from changing lanes in front of him. And finally, there's Old Person With No Peripheral Vision. Watch out Granny! And pick a goddam lane! The all-time classic. The little old lady who didn't understand how the metered on-ramp worked. Of course, the old bag was in front of me. Arrrgggh.

I don't have road rage. I just understand it.

Erik said...

I can deal with the speed limit driver, but if he's in the left lane, he better be about to pass to someone going slower in the right lane. The others won't send me into road rage, but I still wish I could peg them with my airsoft rifle to try to teach them a lesson. Fucking idiots.

StB said...

Yes, Wig. I realized that one this morning when I watched a pickup truck speed up to not allow a car in. I also forgot another so the list is being updated.

Thanks for the reminder.