Monday, March 17, 2008

Some things shouldn't happen in a bar

It's St. Patrick's Day. A day of drunken buffoonery or a day for buffoons to get drunk? I am not Irish. I will not wear a button saying I am Irish for a day. I will not be at a bar drinking at 6 am. I will not drink green beer. I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them Sam I Am.

So, is St. Patty's Day a professional drinking holiday or an amateur event that is blown out of proportion? You make the call. I am in the camp for the latter. Though there are many a professional Irish drunk out there downing their Jamesons like it is water, there are 10 goofballs putting that same Jameson into an Irish Car Bomb.

No drinking for me today. I think I am scarred by what I had seen Saturday night. It is bad enough when two people decide they need to get amorous in a bar and make a scene. It is even worse when two really unattractive people do it. Is probably because the unattractive love the attention they get. Problem is they do not realize people are getting sick of seeing this act and are throwing up with everyone grope and feel. I apologize in advance for the picture you are about to have put in your head.

The dude looked like the Geico caveman except with very short hair. The "beard" was dead on as it was all patchy. It looked terrible. The guy's jaw jutted out a good 6 inches and his forehead was more of an 8 head.

She wasn't much better. Take the Penguin character from the Batman movies. Now meld it together with guitarist Slash. Would you want to be making out with this 300 pound hairy manatee?

I don't think so. Yet, that was the horror show that played out on Saturday night. The caveman was hunting the manatee and it was quite disgusting. You go up to the bar to get bar and hear them slobbering away. As you relay the grotesque details to your friends, you point them out as he has his hand down the back of her pants. Elbow deep.

It wasn't long until we realized the table next to us was well aware of the horror show going on. It was just like watching a horror movie. You get scared but you had to see how this was going to end. After there was some hickeys given, some tit suckage (my spine just shuddered as I typed that), and some more groping right in front of her friend, the show came to a close when the owner showed up and gave him the boot. Apparently caveman was in the other night and had words with the bartender. When he left saying C You Next Tuesday, she took offense and made sure he wasn't coming back. So when she refused to serve him on Saturday, he demanded to speak with the owner. The owner backed his bartender and the show was over.

Thank God the show was over!

If you are going out to be a drunk, be careful. Don't drive. Take a bus, cab, or rickshaw if you must. Word is the Milwaukee sheriffs department is going to have double the patrols on the road to nail drunk drivers. They expect the number of arrests to double from 21. So be smart about your boozing. Drink a Smithwicks or Guinness and skip the green Miller for the day.

Then again, I may need to go drink soon. The only two women in the office are bitching about their inlaws. This is like abuse to my ears. I don't need, nor want to hear this stuff. Why can't people keep some of these things to themselves?

1 comment:

OMW said...

TELL me I WAS NOT the guy.