Sunday, September 19, 2004

My gay friend

While drinking, I learned my friend is gay- not that there is anything wrong with that. Well, he isn't actually gay, as far as I can tell, but you can be the judge. We are sitting at Hooters yesterday watching the Badger football game. He begins to tell this story. Now, to protect his identity, let's call him J. My friend J tells about how he cannot drink beer (he had half a pint and then spilled it so he didn't have to drink it) today because he was still hung over from Thursday. Huh? He says he went to go buy a new cell phone. The phone guy told him he had to go to a different store to get the phone and that J could come back in an hour and get it. J tells him he will go over to a bar, have a beer and come back. So J goes over to this bar, Chumleys, and orders a Sprecher Amber. As he drinks the beer, he asks the bartender if he sells cigars. They don't but the store next door does. So he goes and gets a cigar. Seeing how this is around 4pm, the bar is rather empty. But when he comes back in, there is an older guy a couple seats down. After J lights the cigar, the old man makes a comment like "Oooh, Sprecher and a cigar. Classy!" J doesn't think much about it. He downs his beer and goes to the restroom. When he comes back, there is a fresh Sprecher waiting for him. He mentions to the bartender he didn't order another beer. Bartender tells J that someone bought it for him. There are only a couple people in the bar as it slowly fills up, but the bartender nods over to the old guy. J politely thanks him. It is roughly 5 and the after work crowd is coming in. In fact, the phone guy comes in and delivers the phone to J. He then buys J a beer. Seeing how it is around dinner, J then orders a burger. He drinks his beer as he eats. He goes to the restroom again only to come back and find another beer waiting for him. He then tries to pay for his dinner but someone has taken care of it. J says he is a little freaked out. I ask him if he blew the old guy for buying him dinner. After all, you know what they say about a guy with a cigar...if he will put a cigar in his mouth...Anyhow, J asks who bought his meal for him. He says a skankish girl says it was her, but the bartender nods over to the old man again. J sits there for a bit, drinking his beer and strikes up a conversation with some British guys who happen to be in town for a funeral. J finds out that one guy was in the Royal Air Force. Somehow they start talking about UFOs and stuff. He is now drinking some British ale that he has no clue what it is. He then asks if they have ever drank Hoopers Hooch. J thinks it is some Brit concoction but what does he know, he has been drinking for a while. He talks about how he likes it and tries to order one. The bar doesn't have it. So he heads off to the restroom again- now this must be a magical restroom because every time J goes, something strange happens. As it does now. He comes back and there is a 6 pack of Hooch waiting for him. Someone went to the liquor store and bought some. Uh, ok. At this point, J says that some hot chicks walk into the place and start doing shots. Now pretty boy J says that they invite him down to their end of the bar to do shots with them as well. So he does. He says they are pounding shots until the girls have to go to work. Turns out they are strippers. They invite him to go with. Of course, I question J about this because now this is beginning to sound like a Penthouse Forum letter (I never thought this would happen to me, but the other day....). So now J goes off to Heartbreakers to watch the girls work (it). He says he goes to the small bar in the bar of the establishment where the girls basically hang out when not working. He throws a 20 on the bar and orders a Jack and Coke. A burly bartender gives him 20 singles and the drink. J comments that she didn't take out for the drink. She barks out "So?" The drink is basically Jack with a little color. So now J is sitting in the strip club, drinking Jack and Cokes all night, after drinking Sprechers for a couple hours and doing shots. He says he manages to stay until close. At that point, the girls ask him to go to George Webb with them. So J goes with them and 9 other friends to Webbs. As they eat, the girls are flirting. I ask how he is able to stand up considering how he has been drinking for so long. Oh, Super J can do anything apparently. Well, not everything. The girls invite him back to their place for some "real" fun. For me, this is a dream come true. Dude, go with them, but alas, J decided it was time for him to go home because he had too much to drink. WTF? He shouldn't have been driving but he took off.
J complains that he didn't get any sleep that night. Hey, you could have gotten no sleep doing more fun things. But he gets up at 5 to go to work and comes home at 1. He is staying at this brother's house right now so he goes to his room and crashes. J says he sleeps for about 15 minutes until he hears the maid start to vacuum. She then barges into his room and wakes him up. He is cranky and tells her to clean another time. You know, I thought the story would have a happy ending and J would have realized that the messed up last night. I thought he would at least make up for it and diddle the maid. Nope. That is why I now know that J is gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

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