Translating drunk to sober

Played in the WPBT last night and had a very good time. For those interested, my report is over here.

Just saw that the Vermont Teddy Bear company is going to have a teddy bear in a straight jacket available for Valentine's Day. Awesome! Of course, some people are moaning that it is not nice to the nutjobs in the world. To quote Metallica who quotes The Anti Nowhere League- "So Fuckin What?".

I think they need more bears that matter. How about drunk calling his ex-girlfriend at 2 in the morning bear? Or I had a good time on our date and would like to go out again if you would just return my 30 calls bear? Or I wasn't peeking in your bathroom window, I just dropped my wallet in the bushes bear?

My favorite would be the I don't need nothing but this chair, this paddle ball game, and thermos and nothing else. But this bottle of Maker's Mark bear.

Finally, being a drunk person myself (at times that is, not right now, or am I?), I always marvel at how those who have imbibed act or hear things. Take for instance last night. A friend called that had been drinking. She gives me hell for not telling her about the Super Bowl party on Sunday. This isn't my party so who am I to invite people? Anyway, she goes on about how lucky I will be to see her. And to enjoy her company, blah, blah, blah. She then tells me about some party in Feb that I have to go to because of all the singles women that will be there (me like!) and how they may need some place to crash afterwards. No problem, I can help there (me like!). She goes on about how lucky I will be that I get to see her twice next month, and how I probably wish she was there last night and that I wish I could wake up next to her.

All along, I am playing it up with her. I agree with everything she says. When she mentions I wish she was there last night, I responded with "Yes, if only I was so lucky. It is embarrassing to wake up kissing your pillow."

She gasped, screamed and hung up the phone. Hmm...I didn't think that comment was so bad. So I thought about it and thought about it. I checked my sober to drunk dictionary and checked for the translation and came to the conclusion of what she thought she heard.

"Yes, if only you were so lucky, cuz it's embarrassing when you wake up kissing your dildo"

That is what I came up with. If so, that is funny. Of course, I will have to give a follow up call to find out what she remembers, if anything. And to find out what kind of party I have been roped into later this month.