Hillbilly Fest

Welcome to South Milwaukee
Where the ugly come to breed

If the sign on the city limits doesn’t read like above, it should be changed. For I witnessed one of the biggest grouping of ugly, inbred, crack whore looking, shouldn’t be allowed in public crowds I have ever seen.

It has been called Hillbilly Fest, or the Trailer Park Party. Either of these names were applicable. But the locals call it Lions Fest. The Lions do a lot for the community. Maybe one thing they need to tackle is acceptable social skills, drug abuse and basic hygiene.

Seeing that the Drinking For Jesus Tour was on hiatus for the weekend, a location for beer and music had to be found. I was told this is something I had to experience. The expectations were set when my friend Brian called on Friday asking if I was interested in going down to Hillbilly Fest. Huh? He said when you see it you will know what it means. He wasn’t kidding.

When we got there, the first thing I notice are the “young toughs”, the white boys trying to look all tough with their black jeans, hats slightly off to the side, posturing in the street. It would take only about 20 yards of walking to wonder what the hell I stepped into. Ugly people all around. Too many women wearing shirts that are one size too small. Guys wearing Packers or NASCAR shirts that look like they haven’t been washed in years. These people look like their lives are waking up, going to the factory, then to the local tavern, and onto home to eat their TV dinner. Maybe Hillbilly Fest is the highlight of their year. Because you get them in a crowd, with the beer a-flowin’ and the chain smokin’ a-goin’, they are in heaven. For the record, I saw 3 women I thought were attractive.

I don’t even know where to begin. One thought I had was this is the equivalent of Dr. Pauly’s Redneck Riviera if they had a party in the parking lot. (If you haven’t read his stories then go check them out. Great stuff.) When Mt. Olive began to play, I notice some long haired blond dude in a the blue flames shirt out dancing in front of the band. Or at least it was supposed to be dancing. Don’t know what song he was moving to but it wasn’t what the band was playing. Oh yeah, his hair was dyed blond. His mustache was black. Guess he missed a spot.

Then there was the crackhead couple. She was rail thin, drunk and smoking like a ban was about to go into effect. He was equally drunk and danced like he was having a seizure. Out of no where, he would shuffle off in a direction, moving his feet for about 5 seconds and then abruptly stop in that place. Maybe raise his hands like he knew the words (no he didn’t), and then stand there for about a minute. Without warning, he would do it all again. He repeated this process throughout the first set. I was getting a free freak show.

Then again, this is the kind of dancing that was happening all over the place. People hurling their bodies off to one side like they were possessed. Somehow they didn’t run into each other.

But that was better than the ugly fat chick giving the guy the lap dance. I thought I was going to puke. I hope that was her boyfriend, because no man deserves to be accosted like that. It was bad enough she kept shaking that haystack ass in front of him. But when she mounted him and tried to put her breast in his face, which didn’t work because her belly wouldn’t allow it, it was too much. I just about gouged my eyes out to prevent ever having to see that again.

Then there were the ground slappers. Just before we left, MO played Get Down Tonight. There was this guy and two women dancing just in front of us and to the side. Every time they said “get down tonight” he would bend over to slap the ground. I guess the women, being the total dolts they were, thought this was an actual dance as they mimicked him. These 3 people continued to slap the ground over and over. Maybe it is a hillbilly thing.

I saw Jaws from the James Bond movies there as well. There was this huge guy wearing a t-shirt that read “Mile High Club- First lesson free”. Clever. I liked it.

Just before the band finished, we took off. I had definitely had enough. This was the most bizarre thing I have seen in a long time. To think I thought there was a ugly crowd at St. Romans weeks ago! That was a beauty pageant compared to this hog fest.