Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Milwaukee's blight

There is a disturbing trend I am noticing in Milwaukee right now. Something I had begun to notice over the last 2 weeks that bothered me. It really had me concerned. I couldn't drive to the bar without seeing something that make my stomach wretch, my eyes itch, my brain hurt. Yes, this was before getting to the bar so it was like I was drinking Mind Erasers or some other wicked shot.

No, this was on the streets of Milwaukee, the city I grew up in. The city I love. A place that has so much to offer that few know about or understand. Sure, Milwaukee ain't perfect, but it is only when the citizens get together and do something about the problems in their neighborhood that solutions are found and the blight eradicated.

It was after a discussion with my family and some friends at the bar this past Saturday that made me realize I had to do something about this particular issue. I may be just one man. One beer guzzling, football watching, poker playing person. But one drunk can make a difference, but only if they take action.

Yes, I am taking on a serious issue. One that could put my life in danger. Many won't like what they see here. Some may come after me. But I have faith in those that read my words that you may rise, come forth and stand by my side as we take on the monster that is......

Halloween Yard Displays!!!!!!

They are pissing me off in a major way. Look at this. You have a smiling witch, ghost, and vampire. WTF? Who ever saw a smiling vampire? Isn't Halloween suppose to be a scary time? A time for kids to go door to door, trick or treating and tell ghost stories? In this case, it looks like some batty lady is trying to peddle her arts and crap crafts to the parent that bring little Susie to the door. I bet she had 20 cats living in her house as well as having a bunch of stuffed animals arranged on her bed every day. This crap has got to go!

But as you can see, it doesn't get any better. This picture isn't as clear as I would like. I think those who oppose my movement caused the blurriness. But what is this suppose to be? There are 3 one-eyed smiling ghosts jumping out of pumpkin. One eyed ghosts? Sounds like I am being mooned by some albinos. This inflatable monstrosities need to be blown up. They are slowly populating front yards across the area. And once again, they are portraying the "happy, ghost are you friend" image. Screw that! Ghosts are scary. They are not your friends. It is not like they are going to buy you a beer.

One of the worst things about Milwaukee's Halloween blight, is that some of them do not make any sense. Or at least, not at first sight. Take this house for example. We have a picture of a happy ass Tigger on a porch by some skeletons and a tombstone. What in the blue blazes does Tigger have to do with Halloween? I was baffled at first. Tigger has nothing to do with Halloween. But then the tombstone stuck out at me. With some help of my software, I was able to notice the grave marker had the initials W.T.P on it. Suddenly it was clear. Tigger was dancing on the grave of Winnie the Pooh. This scene made sense now. Sick and sadistic. Guess it may not be that bad after all.

But this one is. Where do I begin. Can you make out what the sign says on the blowup scarecrow? It says "Happy Harvest". The fact that it is a blow up scarecrow is horrible, but "Happy Harvest". Why not Happy Halloween? This is where the PC people have stepped in. Can't wish everyone a happy Halloween because it is too scary and may frighten the kids. Notice the little "kids playing marker" on the stairs too. I am willing to be that not only in this person a over protective mother, but a teacher as well. I heard that the schools are not having a traditional dress up day where you come as a ghoul or goblin. Instead you are to dress up like hero (not super hero) or social worker. WTF? I guess that means you send little Johnny to school with a soup ladle tucked in his shirt and say he words at the kitchen. Way to take the fun out of Halloween lady! I also picture her wrapping her kid in bubble wrap before he goes off to play soccer.

But now we have another deceiving display. Yes, more of those damn blow up Disney characters that have absolutely nothing to do with Halloween. What looks like mirth is about to become murder. There is Tigger about to take out his next victim, Mickey Mouse. But I think Mickey is on to him as he is brandishing a weapon. I think Mickey is out to avenge the death of his friend Winnie the Pooh. I can only hope, nay, pray that he succeeds. Any time a stupid blow up character whacks another one is a good day in my book!

I bet some of you are wondering what can be done about this serious issue affecting the good citizens of Milwaukee. I say we go back to tradition. There are good displays adorning our streets. For example, the graveyard. A classic! They have the grave markers, skeletons, withches, and even a casket (leaning against the house). At night, there are strobe lights and the casket opens and closes every 15-20 seconds. Now this is how Halloween is suppose to be. I wouldn't be shocked if kids skip this house out of fear. If not, someone should dress up like a scarecrow and scare the shit out of the toddlers as they approach for some candy.

See, a casket makes any display much better. But can it be topped. Oh yes! But only if you happen to have a hearse laying about in the barn! Every year I pass this house on the way to work. Every year they convert their front yard into a graveyard. Every year it kicks ass! Unfortunately, the "donations" box in front sucks away some of the coolness this place has. This picture was taken at dawn. I can tell you it looks much better in the dark. One of the best in the Milwaukee area.

I have heard that there are still some awesome displays set up in Milwaukee. Many of them have motion detectors or various displays set on timers that open are close coffins or make monsters move. Unfortunately, they are few and far between. Those damn blow up pumpkins and ghosts are taking over. Please, don't do this to your yard.

I ask everyone to rise up, grab some steel tip darts and let's defeat these blow up monstrosities! Are you with me?


Fat Dan said...

We will overcome. I will continue this movement here in Smalltown Ohio. Great Post.

djw said...

I Am With You!! Those stupid witches flying into garages, light poles, etc are Really Starting To Piss Me Off!!! By the way, I use to own a hearse and I actually had neighbors ask me to park it in the garage because they--the adults--did not like seeing it in my driveway all the time.

Blonde said...

I am sooooo with you on this one. My neighbor puts out so much shit for every holiday and it looks tacky.

I was so annoyed last night that I stole all 4 YES 4 scarecrows off of his lawn.

My mom is just as guilty. I steal shit off of her lawn every year to make a point, and she just goes and buys more shit.

I don't even have a Chrismtas tree (pets make that difficult) so my only holiday decoration I own is a Leg Lamp like Ralphie had in A Chrismtas Story.

James Wigderson said...

I'm with you! Inflatable Tiggers, Winnie the Poohs and Snoopys must be stopped.

Also, the fine tradition of handing out beer to the dads of trick or treaters must not be stopped by the killjoys!

StB said...

James, you make a great point. If you see a man taking his kids out trick or treating, as a man handing out candy, you are inclined to do 2 things.

1. Update him on any NFL scores they may want.

2. Offer a beer. They are always appreciative of the beer.

Blonde, tell me you ain't lying about the leg lamp. That would be too cool. I mean, it is Italian afterall.

Blonde said...

Swear to god that the ONLY holiday decoration I have out ever is my Leg Lamp in the window.

A Christmas Story and that lamp are the only reason I look forward to Christmas. Otherwise, it is another overrated holiday that blows.

djw said...

Where did you get your Leg Lamp?Ever since I saw that movie I have been trying to find one. The one time I did see one, the guy was asking an arm and a......(too easy). I do want one tho.

Aleta said...

Okay missed the picture of our front yard. The hubbie has strung a huge spiderweb across our front window and is now outside positioning his home made scarecrow by the lamp post. My dog is going nuts barking at this "thing" that is sitting on a pumpkin leaning against the lamp post. She's thinking it's real.
I do have to say that if one is going to decorate they need to stick with the Halloween related items. Tigger and Pooh are unrealated to Halloween.

Blonde said...

The leg lamp can be bought through a catalog ( it is put out by the actual movie company so it is 100% authentic match. They have a desk size (@$50). I have seen the full size in other catalogs too. I paid @$110 for my full size one.

djw said...

Thank-You blonde! I know what I am giving myself for my birthday this year!!!

Erik said...

I think I've seen at least half of those houses. They are mostly on the south side, no?

I know that I wanted to put flame to most of those displays even when I wasn't feeling so crabby. Demolition of the house to make an example to others who might try it sounds like a reasonable option tonight. Some of those people have had their lawns cluttered since mid September. They need to be stopped.

StB said...

Unfortunately, yes, the majority of the bad ones are on the south side by where I live. Thus, my crusade.

WhisKeYGyrL said...

I too drive past these homes in which you speak of...STB... My hubbie, however, likes the goofy inflatable ghosts and pumpkin thingy... What the hell happened to craving pumpkins???? Does anybody do that anymore?? Hell, I have two on my porch... Very cool looking too, I might add. STB you forgot the house with the goofy rope lighting!! Orange, yes but my god do you people actually place that stuff on the bushes or just toss it on there??? And please let's not forget the trees with it wrapped half way around?? What the f*k is that?? Truly though, I had to laugh when I read this one because I can picture you driving around taking these pics and plotting this story.. Cute!! I give it a 10!!!