Tuesday, March 17, 2009

St. Patty's Day survival

I won't be out at any bar for breakfast. I won't be jostling someone in an effort to eat Lucky Charms chased by some Jameson. Though I wouldn't mind spending a day quaffing Guinness and Smithwicks, I shan't be.

St. Patty's Day is for amateurs. And the Irish.

I am German. When we celebrate drinking it does on for 2 weeks, not one day. And we get to spell it funny too. Oktoberfest.

But should you feel the need to pound beer at 7 am, I won't be the one to criticize. I will raise my coffee (it could be of the Irish variety...) and salute you. I will also give you a few tips on getting through the day.

Step One: Have a plan. You in the bar when it opens? Fine. How long do you intend to be there? You going bar hopping? You think you will last past noon? Take it easy then. Enjoy your Guinness. Drink some Harp. Go with my personal favorite, Smithwicks. But lay off pounding the Jameson, the Tullamore Dew and the rest of the Irish whiskys. Those will get you plastered. You can enjoy a shot or two early but it is the 5 Irish Car Bombs you do that will have you hunched over a table at Judge's Pub with guys like me stacking stuff on your head.

True story. Guy passed out on a table by the patio doors. He was out cold. Or so we thought. It started innocently enough. A couple of the big black plastic ash tray placed on his head. That was followed by an empty plastic pitcher. Then another. As the crowd began to form, others would place something on him. We had a decent little tower going until he moved and it all came crashing down. As it did, people scattered. Those around him acted like nothing happened as they kicked ash trays across the floor away from him. The guy got off the chair and walked towards the door. Someone asked me and my friends if we were going to go help our friend get home. We looked back and the person and explained that he wasn't our friend. We had no idea who the guy was.

Step two: Eat something. A lot of places will have some free corn beef and cabbage available today. Go ahead and eat. But don't let your eyes get bigger than your stomach. A small serving is all you need to refuel and keep yourself going. Ladies, you may want to make sure your men don't eat too much of the cabbage as well. Your noses will thank me later. You also want to make sure you don't eat too much in case you didn't follow step one and acted like the ICBs were water. Projectile vomiting anyone?

Step three: I would suggest you go hit a couple of bars that are in close proximity. The walk to the next bar helps keep your senses. This is where the funny shit is said as well. Funny stuff always happens on the walk because now you can hear each other. Plus you may stumble into a cute chick as you do.

Step four: Throw some darts, play some Golden Tee, or shuffleboard. Even shaking dice is good but you want some minor form of activity. Keeps the mind sharp and gets it off how much booze you have in the system. Believe me, this will help you stay out for hours. People that drink and do something else in a bar beside take up real estate by the taps have more endurance.

Step five: Downshift if necessary. Sure you may not want to give up some of that Harpy goodness you have been pouring down your beerhole over the past couple of hours but when they have that free green beer, go for it. Helps the pocket book as well as the buzz. Your buzz will be sustained but you won't get anymore shitfaced than you are.

Step six: Have a way to get home. Get a cab, catch a bus, pay the rickshaw driver. Just don't drive. We want everyone to have a safe drinking holiday.

Man I feel like a beer now. I bet the Old German Beer Hall is open and not crowded...

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